The larger your life, the bigger your influence, the more people the scope of your life encompasses, the smaller your circle of trust becomes.
I believe most people are good-hearted, well-intentioned, and don’t mean to hurt others. I also believe that money is energy and fame is energy. Combined, they create a magnet for those who lack enough faith in them Selves to create their own success — and so they are willing to take it from those who “have more than they deserve.”
Jealousy, envy, small-mindedness, lack of knowing how to own their own power, and entrenched beliefs in scarcity (there’s only so much to go around, I must take what is mine before there’s none left) drive people to target people in positions of power and affluence for their own gain.
As you’ve painfully learned.
The fantasy of fame and fortune lures lazy people who have no clue how much back-breaking work it takes to succeed in the industry. Perhaps if the public was made to sit through the endless hushed hours on set or the time spent in rehearsal, they’d think twice about envying a “star.” But, they don’t know that side of it. All they know is what they read in the tabloids and see in photo-shopped features.
The moment you achieve success, wannabes start targeting you. It isn’t necessarily fame that does this, but success. In any business context, it’s often who you know that gets you your next promotion or gig. Key phrase: who you know. Fame creates the perception among strangers that they know you, and for some odd reason they assume you owe them a favor.
I don’t think there is harm in being bold enough to put yourself forward and ask someone of influence to consider the merits of your work (as long as your work actually has merit). Boldness and authenticity are often what land people in the right place at the right time.
I also know that most highly visible creatives want to help authentic, aspiring artists find their way, when they can. There is, after all, a certain amount of karmic good you want to pass along for all the help and breaks you were given. That’s good. That’s necessary. Keep doing that.
But there’s a big difference between those who respect and honor you and those who merely intend to use you.
It seems when you’re famous, everyone wants to use you.
You learn to deal with the nature of this, figuring out which agents and executives you can work with, the coworkers you build rapport with; if you’re lucky, a few decent staff. And you live with the reality that people are always looking out for their own interests and wellbeing – it’s human nature.
Fame necessitates that you never fully trust anyone who has any financial interest in you or who stands to gain by you financially. Staff get enticed by paparazzi, cave to pressure, etc. Promises and contracts get broken.
What you don’t learn to deal with is the betrayal by people who are supposed to be your true friends, family, and lovers. People who are in your circle of trust.
Don’t get me wrong, people of all walks of life are betrayed by those they never thought would do so. It’s just that the consequences don’t become headlines. In most people’s lives, if a friend betrays their trust, or a spouse cheats on them — they can confide and vent to their colleagues, friends, family — hell, even Facebook.
The fact of being betrayed is not the issue here.
It’s what the lack of privacy and not being able to discuss how it impacts you does to your spirit.
Yes, you could pay a therapist and that might be wise if you find a wise one. But usually, you have to keep it all to yourself and what happens? It eats away at you. You depress your feelings, hide, put a smile on, and tuck that wound deep down with the others.
It never gets vented, it never gets expressed, you never get to talk about it over again and again until your mind can make some peace with it… it just gets stuck in you.
And your heart bolts the door.
Trusting someone who knocks on that door becomes scary. Perhaps even forbidden.
There is an almost indescribable aloneness that comes from this sense that no one ever wants you just for You.
How do you trust again?
When someone was inside your circle and that person betrayed you, or the spouse who has known you best leaves, how do you pry open the doors of your heart to open again?
You need to move the energy of the betrayal out of yourself, so it can air, and you can start to see the whole thing with a bit of objectivity. Journal about it, talk with your closest spiritual advisor, find a way to vent.
Two things happen if you don’t:
- One, your anger and resentment build and that person is given too much power in your life and mind.
- You turn on your Self and all that anger and resentment gets projected on You. It’s critical to lance a festering wound to relieve the pressure, get the toxins out, and allow healing to happen. Your spirit is no different.
So, start by moving that energy out of you. Get some perspective. Find someone who will help you see it with new eyes.
Then, realize that whether or not you open your heart and life again is a conscious decision only you can make. But you do need to make it. It doesn’t happen spontaneously. You can’t just wait for it to happen on its own. You have to decide. You can stay closed. Or you can open.
Obviously, opening involves risk. It’s scary. You fear getting hurt again. And it really is your choice whether or not to open your heart and life again. This is YOUR life. Staying closed is a valid choice, despite how everyone will push you to “move on.”
You need to move at the pace of your own soul’s creation. Part of reclaiming your Self is taking back the right to move through life at your own pace.
So, don’t rush. Don’t fear being by your Self. Let time unfold life for awhile. Let time unfold you.
And when you start to sense a longing to experience true intimacy (not just sex) and you start to get a sense that perhaps you could experience something deeper and better than anything you ever have before (no matter how good it once was)… that’s when you know that your heart is beginning to open to your brightest future.
Be brave enough to break your heart open and keep it open.
No one will be able to tell you if your heart is ready to trust again. And no one but you can fight your fears the way they need to be fought.
The moment you begin to contemplate opening your heart again, fear is going to disguise itself with predictable objections:
“You can’t trust anyone. This is the price you have to pay for this life. You were such an idiot. Don’t even think about trying because it’s pointless. You’re going to get hurt again. You were a fool, you got used, you were too kind/generous/believed too much in the good in others, failed to see the warning signs. Why didn’t you see the warning signs? What the fuck was wrong with you? How could you have trusted this person? You should have known.”
You get the point. You berate yourself for being a fool and vow to never trust again, as if your vow can keep you from the humiliation and pain you have already been dealt. It can’t – let me tell you why. Because you were a good person being a good person and the OTHER PERSON chose to do wrong.
“He/she was the only person who knew me. I really thought he/she was the One. I will never find another who can carry the weight of who I am now, of what my life entails.”
If your spouse/partner was with you as you grew into your career, he/she was a witness to your journey, and he/she also grew into your life of fame. But now? Now you bring the full weight of fame with you wherever you are.
It’s hard to imagine finding someone real who would be willing and capable to shoulder that enormous weight, to have their life disrupted and intruded upon, to accommodate all that your public persona entails — and still be someone you deeply connect with and can confide in.
It just doesn’t seem possible and it doesn’t seem right to expect that of someone. Yes, you could go out with someone in the industry, they know the ropes and how the game is rigged, but your industry is small. The dating pool is limited. So you believe it’s impossible and so, it is.
Don’t get stuck in these limiting beliefs. One of the most beautiful aspects of being human is that we have the capacity to change our beliefs, our perspectives, our relationships. The spirit itself is malleable. It’s thoughts that become rigid. You can change your thoughts.
“God will break your heart open over and over and over again until it stays open.”
It may not be God, but life certainly seems to do that.
There is no doubt that when relationships end, it hurts. Even when you are the one to end it, and you know the decision is right for you, it’s still a challenging emotional journey to rebuild your sense of self apart from the relationship. It is an opportunity to find a deeper way of being in this world. And a deeper way of relating to your Self.
Endings are hard because they toss you into uncertainty, shake you out of the trance of routine and give you the choice to open your life to someone new.
If you are telling yourself that your life is too big and heavy for someone to see and know the real you, to shoulder that weight with you, to be a partner who isn’t after your money or status, stop.
This world is full of incredible, amazing people. Open your mind to the possibility that that person may exist for you. It is entirely possible you haven’t experienced how good it can actually get.
Trust after betrayal comes down to making a conscious decision to reclaim your Self and make decisions that are for your own highest good and blessing. You have the power and the right to do that.
But what if the fear or risk just feels too overwhelming?
Let’s take a look at what happens when your heart is betrayed.
You go through shock and disbelief, anger and humiliation, and take action to ensure it never happens to you again. This action is usually some form of closing your heart, denying your Self its need for trust and connection, and a vow to never make the mistake of trusting again.
But here is where we confuse protecting ourselves with the fear of admitting we are, ultimately, vulnerable beings.
We deny our vulnerability by vowing to protect ourselves. We believe a vow or promise to never let it happen again gives us back some power and control. And, it feels like that. At first.
What happens is after some time, we realize that our vows have shut our hearts down, and in doing so, shut out Life. We’re safe, but untouched. We’re safe, but lonely. We’re safe, but unable to move past the pain.
We’re safe, but terrified.
I want to remind you, love, that in this life, you never have what you won’t lose.
The pain we fear feels so terrifying because we try to be strong enough here and now to carry something we imagine in the future.
We are never given strength for the future ahead of time, we are only given strength for this moment, now upon now.
But the fear can feel as solid as a stone wall. It can feel greater than us. The risk of getting hurt scares us so we disallow ourselves from trusting that blessings and good can exist for us out there. We forget about grace.
We forget that Something Greater Than Us has the ability to add compassion to the equation and lead us down paths that hold incredible gifts for us. We forget that we can choose faith over fear.
We forget, quite simply, that it is our choice to stay closed and fearful or to open up and choose faith in the Universe’s ability to lead us to our brightest future.
When you are betrayed, a sense of worthlessness seeps in, you lose perspective on your true value as a human being.
Too often, our stories that define us become rigid and absolute. If you’re not careful, the story you tell yourself around the betrayal will solidify into limiting beliefs. Your life will become smaller. What is possible for you will become less possible.
You will say No when your soul needs you to say Yes.
I know this fear, love, I know that when you have all eyes on you, your freedom to make mistakes diminishes. I know that a heart that is shut down withers, and that hearts that have been shut down can be revived.
Choosing to open your self, to risk appearing a fool, to risk getting it wrong again — this is a conscious choice. One you have the power to make for your Self. One that only you can make.
Don’t allow what the other person did rob you of your right to fling yourself at Life and trust that Something Greater Than You will catch you if you fall.
We are beings of Love and Power. We are tender and vulnerable. We get hurt and we hurt others. We are continually presented with the choice to open to life or shut it out. We open and close and open again.
Betrayal is all about the other person’s values; how you choose to let it shape you is all about yours.
Value your right to trust Life to hold you.